When The World Ends You Will Be Eating Hokkien Mee

When the world comes to an end you will be eating Hokkien Mee.

When the last Panda dies from a heart attack from an overdose of Viagra in some western Zoo that he was sent to as a cub as a gift of goodwill from China, you will be counting how many pieces of sotong the stallholder  gave you.

When the oceans start overflowing and start swallowing up small coastal cities, the death toll will not even reach the 6PM news on the hawker centre TV screens.

When all the fish have gone extinct, and all the chickens died of some flesh-eating version of bird flu that also managed to wipe out three third world countries in the space of two months, it will be ok because there will always be enough prawns left in the sea, and you don’t need chicken to make Hokkien Mee anyway.

When the tidal waves start flooding large coastal cities like Sydney, LA, Vancouver it will not matter because there is still not enough lard in your 5 dollar plate of Hokkien Mee.

When the earth starts to crack open and swallow up all the cities people stupidly decided to build on faultlines, you might be intrigued by the noodles on your plate trembling ever-so-slightly from aftershock.

When buildings in Malaysia start to collapse from the aftershocks, believe that it was because they were poorly built anyway.

When the governments of the world start going completely mad, and the threat of nuclear war is imminent but probably won’t make much of a difference at this point in history, keep believing that Hokkien Mee noodles grow out of the ground on a farm somewhere in Kranji.

When a Malaria epidemic hits Southeast Asia, remember to swallow your government-sponsored malaria vaccine after your meal and thank God you live in a functional country.

When the ocean starts to encroach a little bit on reclaimed land in Changi, Juron Island, the CBD, just remember you were never promised that Singapore would be ‘flood free’.

When the first child to die in a flooded neighbourhood on the ECP gets reported, be glad you live on the 20th storey.

When Resorts World finally  disappears underwater, you will be eating Hokkien Mee.

When the first families die in a tsunami that hits Pasir Ris, you will be eating Hokkien Mee.

And it will be bloody good Hokkien mee. So good you will want another, but you will never get another because the stall owner will be dead. And his wife will be dead. And his son, the only other person with the recipe in his head will not remember it because he fucked off to open a dessert bar in Dempsey Road which only serves people who can say the phrase ‘post-apocalyptic’ with a straight face.

So go on, enjoy that fucking plate of Hokkien Mee because it will be the last plate of Hokkien Mee you will ever taste, that will ever be tasted in the world, and be glad, be fucking glad that you are, because when the universe implodes on itself, and that tidal wave rears up to engulf this island and there is screaming everywhere and you finally look up and see the wall of water about to swallow the Old Air Port road hawker center,

the taste of prawn stock, lard and MSG will be the only thing left to hold on to.

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