Ten Tips for Not Fucking Up your Five Minutes

 some things I’ve learnt from performing and watching other people perform at many many open mics. written on the back of my notebook, then the back fell off and i decided i had to type it up. a lot of it, i realise, has to do with power. getting it, keeping and sharing it.  what do you think?

1. Audiences can smell fear on you: don’t let them see it

2. Every minute onstage is a privilege; the right to stay there has to be earned

3. Remember: the audience doesn’t have to listen to you. Don’t waste their time, make them feel something. Why else should they pay attention?

4. Get the audience on your side, or not.

 5. Apologies are for losers. If you were really sorry, you would get the fuck off the stage.

 6. Haters gonna hate, fuckers gonna talk while you perform: Fuck them, play to those who are listening, even if there are only two of them.

7. When all else fails, confuse them. When that fails, outrage.

 8. Don’t try too hard, or at least, don’t make it look like you’re trying.

 9. There is no excuse for not remaining in total control of the situation at all times

10. Having said this, no one should be having a better time than you.